by Krista Starr

Why is it that platonic opposite gender friendships are OK when you’re single, but are frowned upon when you’re in a relationship?

I’ve never liked females much. Most females I know are catty, gossipy, moody, fickle. All through school I hung out with the boys more than the girls. I liked playing sports with them. They weren’t concerned with the latest fashions or who was dating who. They were upfront, straightforward and there was no bullshit. Hangin’ with the boys became increasingly difficult when we hit high school though. The same friendships that I’d had for years were now questioned.. not by the boys, but by my girl friends. Suddenly I was hanging out with Jake “because I wanted to sleep with him”. HA! Jake? The same Jake that I’d caught frogs with in elementary school and rode dirt bikes with in junior high? Ya.. no thanks.

Through the years I’ve found that if I was single, watchin’ football with the guys on Sunday or joining them for a drink at the pub on Friday night was perfectly acceptable.. oh, that’s as long as THEY were single too. Some of my male friendships have continued over the years, mostly because I wasn’t willing to give them up for the sake of my male partners ego, but many of them have been lost.

It seems that when we get hooked-up, most partners feel threatened by our friendships with persons of the opposite gender. When I’ve asked my partners why they feel uncomfortable with me hanging out with my guy friends the dominant response is, “Cause he just wants to sleep with you!” Are you saying that JUST because he’s male and I’m female, he wants to sleep with me? Guess what? If he just wanted to sleep with me he probably would have made the moves on me before now.. 8 years into our friendship! And I would have probably slapped him across the face.

I was talking to my best male friend today. We’ve been great friends for almost 7 years. We became friends when both of us were single. 7 years later, he’s happily married… and we’re STILL great friends. He gives me all kinds of advice, from a male perspective, that none of my female friends could. He asks me for advice on his relationship and why, after waking up in a great mood, was his wife throwing her scrambled eggs at him by breakfast? He’s honest with me, and I with him. I like the way he doesn’t sugarcoat anything but is still sensitive to the fact that I’m female and may be feeling a little emotional that day. His wife is one of the few wives I know who doesn’t feel threatened by our friendship… and I adore her for that.

It’s an unreasonable expectation to think that our partner can fulfill our every need – that’s why we have friends. There are some needs that should only be filled by your partner, but many other needs that can be fulfilled by others in your life.  I do think that, as with every relationship, honesty is key. The worst thing you can do is try to hide or downplay your friendship with someone of the opposite gender as all that will do is heighten your partners’ suspicions that there is MORE to your friendship – than friendship.

Here’s the deal guys.. if we’re open with you about our friendship with HIM and aren’t sneaking around in dimly lit bars together holding hands under the table, let it be! Chances are HE’S the reason why we understand YOU! And ladies.. give your guy some credit. Just because SHE likes football and YOU don’t, doesn’t mean he wants sleep with her or marry her! He’s with you! There’s nothing attractive about insecurity, so let it go.